Tell Me I Did Good….Please.

The other day, I facilitated a call on grief, “Grief as Our Teacher,” for a women’s embodiment group. I was nervous much of the day, asking myself whether or not I was prepared. And once the call began and proceeded and finished, I waited for the people who had invited me to facilitate to tell me that I did good.

Thank goodness that I have the awareness to realize that unconscious behavior, the behavior that seeks for approval, that longs for a voice to say “You are good, you are seen, you are enough.” At first I didn’t hear anything, and I let worry creep in telling me I didn’t do a good job. This little girl inside of me started to curl up into herself. And even once I did receive the words of validation, they hardly meant anything.

What is this tendency inside of me? This wanting, this longing, to be told that I am enough? My sister recently sent me this amazing poem:

It is that, isn’t it? It’s that I, along with probably you, are starving for someone to tell us we are OK. I saw in my longing for approval, I barely checked in with myself to ask, “How do I feel? How do I think I did, according to me?” It’s quite amazing to reveal the lack of trust we have in ourselves. Amazing to uncover that our identity is built on the approval of others. Oh my, what a prison to live in!

And the lesson in all of this? The lesson that I see, is to realize that no, I’m not a sheep, I’m a fucking lioness. I am here, taking up the space I was given, the space that is my own, to stand strong and be me, and embody my full worth. I am here to ROAR and remind you to ROAR, so that we may create a chorus of individuality, of paradoxical unity, of strength, and of presence.

Please, let me here you roar.

Gavrila Nikhila

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